


Hedgehog's Dilemma

by Accidentallytechohazardous



Category: Bleach
Genre: F/F, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Post-Canon, but the protective urge Strong, come on gang lets process our past trauma together, renji tries to be a good wingman
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-10-21 11:51:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20693066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Accidentallytechohazardous/pseuds/Accidentallytechohazardous
Summary: Summary: One year after coming out, Rukia has not yet been on a single date. Renji nominates himself as the person to fix this, but runs into complications.“The Hedgehog’s Dilemma describes a situation in which a group of hedgehogs are huddled together during a cold winter’s day. To bare the cold, they gravitate towards each other to share heat. However, hedgehogs who get too close to each other end up painfully pricking each other with their quills.”





	Hedgehog's Dilemma

“When you gawk like that with your mouth open,” Rukia said grimly. “You look like a whale.” 

Renji picked his jaw off the floor and leaned back in the chair opposite of Rukia’s desk. She, in turn, bent herself over the paperwork on her desk and pretended to be very, very interested in the budget for the Thirteenth Division’s gardening club. 

“So you’ve never been on a date. Like, ever? That’s pretty surprising, considering how popular are.” 

Rukia flicked her eraser at him, launching it off her desk and bouncing at against his forehead. Renji hoped that she would enjoy scrounging around on the floor for it later. 

“First of all, the word ‘popular’ is not one I’d use to describe myself. Secondly, it isn’t uncommon for women in Soul Society not to go on dates. Some even get married without having been alone with their fiance before the wedding.” 

“Sounds like an awkward wedding night–” 

“Third of all,” Rukia tapped her knuckle against the surface of the desk, looking at Renji with the frustration of someone who had seen the edge of the universe and was now trying to explain it to a squirrel. “When would I have had time to date? When I was on the lam from the Gotei 13? Or perhaps when I was in prison awaiting my execution? Or maybe when I, having been Lieutenant for the long, long tenure of two years, have been made responsible for the entire Thirteenth Division.”

“The last one.” Renji said. “You do it at that last one.”

Rukia rubbed her face vigorously, and Renji really did empathize with her. It was easy to forget that in the last forty-plus years, he had been training, growing, making friends and such. And Rukia had been… well, doing the same, but also dealing with a whole bunch of other shit. 

“Besides, there’s the whole other… gender matter of it.” Rukia offered, a slight flush tinting her face. “I can’t just walk up to a girl and say ‘excuse me, Miss! Are you into women? Because I am just a huge lesbian looking to escape from my taxing job saving lost souls and my stuffy, aristocratic family breathing down my neck at this crucial turning point in my career.”

“No, you can’t.” Renji agreed, and raised his brow incredulously. “Do you think that’s how gay introduce themselves to potential partners?” 

Rukia stood up, holding a pile of paperwork to her chest all huffily. When she got huffy, Renji knew it was usually time to leave Rukia alone. Otherwise she would eventually turn snappish, before then transitioning to cranky.

“Thank you so much for your sound council, Renji. If you excuse me, it’s the middle of the workday and I actually have my job to do. Can I get the door for you before you go back to my brother and do yours?” 

Renji held his hands up and acquiesced. He knew she wasn’t really mad– Rukia kicked him out of her office about once a week, when she finally decided she was done with socializing and needed space. 

This visit, however, had been interesting. Rukia was right about one thing; she was under a lot of pressure to succeed for the sake of her Squad. Having her first girlfriend to lavish attention on her might boost Rukia’s confidence and ease some of that stress. 

Of course, not just anyone could date Rukia. She needed someone who deserved her. And who was the person who knew Rukia the best in the whole world to make sure of that?

* * *

_Captain Soi Fon_

_Pros: Confident. Assertive._

_Cons: Quick-tempered. Might assassinate people she doesn’t like. 2/10 _

_Ise Nanao_

_Pros: Intelligent. Responsible._

_Cons: Someone who puts up with what she does from Cpt. Kyoraku is either WAY too dedicated to the job or a complete masochist. 4/10 _

_Kotetsu Isane_

_Pros: Kind. Non-threatening._

_Cons: Produces second-hand anxiety. 6/10_

“Hmm.” Shuuhei reviewed the paper in his hands where Renji had written down his scientific observations. “And you didn’t see any issue with carrying around a list of our female co-workers like this.” 

“Gimme that!” Renji snatched the paper away. He hadn’t meant to let Shuuhei (or anyone else) get a hold of it. But as Soul Society’s top journalist, Shuuhei had developed a remarkable skill for sticking his nose where it didn’t belong. “It’s not for me, it’s for Rukia.” 

Izuru slipped the paper from Renji’s fingers, because apparently this is the Wild West and we can all just take things from other people when we feel like it. “Does Kuchiki-san know you’re doing this? This feels like a gross invasion of privacy.” 

“Yes, how dare I want my best friend to be happy? What a monster I am for wanting to scoot Rukia onto the path of the first love of her life.” 

“Your pure intentions are not really the issue here.” 

“Listen, I know Rukia.” Renji insisted. “She has a lot of love to give, but she’ll also avoid doing anything for herself at any cost. She’s, like, allergic to self-care. But maybe if she just dips her toes into romance, she’ll see it’s not something so foreign.” 

Izuru nodded and seemed to mull this over. However, Shuuhei looked far from convinced. 

He looked at Renji over folded arms, but when Shuuhei spoke his voice lost some of his usual sternness. “How would you feel if somebody else chose your first boyfriend for you?”

“Depends if I deserved it.” Renji answered, and did not elaborate.

-

The truth of the matter is a description of all of Renji’s relationships before Izuru and Shuuhei would mostly be a dull slog to read through. As Renji was focused on gaining the necessary power to beat Byakuya Kuchiki into the ground, his love life was a revolving door of casual exchanges that quickly went cold. 

So let’s not read that. Instead, let us consider a phenomena that is popularly known as the Hedgehog’s Dilemma. 

The Hedgehog’s Dilemma describes a situation in which a group of hedgehogs are huddled together during a cold winter’s day. To bare the cold, they gravitate towards each other to share heat. However, hedgehogs who get too close to each other end up painfully pricking each other with their quills. 

The lesson here is that in trying to get close to each other, we inevitably open ourselves up to the possibility of pain.

Now let’s take this scenario and imagine that in the group, there is a red hedgehog who is very spiky. Ironically, this spiky hedgehog is terrified of getting pricked. So he fluffs out his little quills to keep other hedgehogs away, even though he ends up being lonely and cold. 

Most hedgehogs avoid him. But along comes a little blond hedgehog, who is used to getting poked and jabbed with quills from other hedgehogs and just wants to rest in a safe place. He doesn’t find the red hedgehog that scary, and instead trots right up to him and enjoys his warmth. 

After that, there is a black hedgehog with three funny-looking scars on his snout. He worries all the time about accidentally pricking someone with his quills, and when he sees the red hedgehog and how spiky he is, he sees someone who reminds him of himself. He also goes up and snuggles alongside the red hedgehog and the blond hedgehog.

All three of them are very careful, and though sometimes they prick each other on accident they are still very warm and comfortable. Soon, the red hedgehog is not so frightened, and not so fluffed up and mad all the time. 

There is a fourth hedgehog, who sits outside in the cold. It is safer there, she feels, to not have the choice. To not hurt and not be hurt. 

* * *

Renji loved the summer. Rukia hated it. They found their compromise in the beginning of fall. On long nights, it was still warm enough to pull blankets, sake, and take-out containers onto the porch and enjoy a late dinner. The Thirteenth Division had very beautiful lanterns lit in the evening, glowing like tiny moons.

Rukia must have found it comforting, looking out at the courtyard and seeing a familiar brush of white. Renji was not of the same mind, but he did like ghost stories. 

“It’s gonna be Halloween in the World of the Living soon.” Rukia crammed rice into her mouth.

“Hmm.” Renji drenched his food in soy sauce. “Is that the one with the candy and the people in costumes and stuff? And that red guy Satan everywhere.” 

“No, that’s Christmas. You’re thinking of Santa and his elves.” 

“Right. I always forget about that one.” 

Rukia’s sake choko was bone-dry, she hadn’t so much as touched it all evening. Renji took the liberty of leaning over and pouring it for her. 

Renji didn’t really want to be sitting here contemplating the 800 discrete human holidays. He wanted to ask Rukia what kind of girl she liked. 

She must have thought about it at some point, right? But if he asked straight out, Rukia would probably say she didn’t know. If Renji convinced her to relax, she might be more inclined to dig into the deep well of her genuine feelings. 

“Thanks.” Rukia took the dish. She wasn’t much of a drinker, but Rukia knew that Renji and the other lieutenants were a more hedonistic bunch. Sharing a little sake was a chance for Rukia to feel independent, and prep for future carousing with the other shinigami. 

Renji watched Rukia take a deep drink. “So, listen. Remember what i was talking to you about earlier–”

“Oh my!” 

Rukia’s eyes lit up, and her cheeks blushed from a pink that certainly was not sake-induced. Renji turned around to see who had snuck up on them, though from that voice he already had a good idea who. 

Of course if there were any sorts of secrets to be shared, particularly romantic gossip, Renji figured it was only a matter of time before Rangiku worked her way into it.

The 10th Division’s resident heart-breaker and gossip-monger stood with her hands on her hips. Rangiku’s eyes passed from Rukia to land on Renji with an accusing gaze. 

“Renji, how could you? Tempting a maiden into drinking alcohol like this? I know it was only a matter of time before you tried to turn Kuchiki-san into a delinquent like you!” 

“I’m not being tempted!” Rukia stammered, still holding the full cup of sake posed in the air with both hands. “Or a delinquent.” 

“Matsumoto, when you talk like that people can’t figure out when you’re joking.” Renji complained. A sneaking suspicion crept over him that Rangiku would be a dangerous element in his campaign. 

Rangiku huffed, tossing her head. Her hair was growing out of that fashionable bob she had chopped it into. With her hair loose like that the scar on her neck, a souvenir from the war, was less noticeable. 

“Who is joking? I’m truly outraged. I only stopped by to see if Kuchiki-san was okay after missing the WSA meeting, but I didn’t know it was this bad! Renji, I thought she was your friend. Why are you teaching her the wrong way to drink sake!” 

“There’s a right way?” Renji asked, and watched as Rangiku breezed right past him to Rukia’s side. 

Rukia flinched a little from the proximity of the other woman, but bravely held her ground. 

“Matsumoto-san, I appreciate your… chivalry. But really, I’m not much younger than you yourself. It isn’t necessary to shelter me from alcohol.” 

“No, of course not. But everyone experiences things at their own pace.” Rangiku sat attentively, huge eyes fixed on Rukia. Renji could see why she was always compared to a cat. It actually was making him a little nervous. “But I haven’t seen you at the bars or drinking parties very much. This is just a silly guess, but perhaps Captain Kuchiki made you feel guilty about going to events with alcohol and risking your reputation.” 

Yowch! An absolutely devastating blow! All Renji could do was grimace in sympathy as Rukia tried to recover from being read like an open book.

“T-that… was true. For a while. But things have changed.” Rukia insisted. “But Nii-sama doesn’t decide what I do. I’m perfectly capable of making my own decisions.” 

“Glad to hear it! But then you need to learn the right way to sip sake. Because if you drink that way, it will look like you’re trying to get hammered as quickly as possible. Here.” 

Rangiku sat back on her heels, spine straight. She held her hands up, palms slightly cupped to mime holding the sake cup. “You want to hold the choko up to your face for a minute before sipping, so you can get a good smell of the sake first. And don’t drink it too fast! This stuff is stronger than it looks, Renji!”

“Is that how it is.” 

All the times that Renji had seen Rangiku tipsy or dragging people into bar crawls with her, he wasn’t sure he ever noticed a distinct ‘technique’ that she used as carefully as the one she was trying to guide Rukia through right now. Usually Rangiku was the first one to chug from the bottle, brushing off scoldings about her etiquette. 

“Okay, so like this.” 

“Yes, that’s it.”

Rukia stiffly copied Rangiku’s pose, holding the dish to her face. Her nose wrinkled at the smell of the sake, clearly not enjoying it but trying to impress Rangiku. 

Maybe Rangiku was showing off her manners in order to teach Rukia good habits? Some sisterly advice from Lieutenant to Lieutenant. 

Then a polished hand landed on Rukia’s shoulder. Rangiku’s lips curved in a dazzling smile, and the rosy flush on Rukia’s face looked anything but sisterly. 

Renji’s hackles rose immediately, smelling something cooking. He noisily cleared his throat to destroy any beginning hint of tension. “Man, what a great lesson. I know I sure learned a lot. Rukia?” 

“Hmm?” Rukia’s eyes fluttered, looking rather far away. “Oh! Yes. Right. It would be embarrassing if I was at some fancy event and came off as crass. Thank you, Matsumoto-san.” 

“My pleasure. But I’m sure no one would ever mistake you for crass.” Wow. Rangiku’s hand moved to the back of Rukia’s neck. It looked awfully comfortable there. Not likely to leave on its own any time soon. “You should come out with me some time, Kuchiki-san. I feel like I never get time to get to know you–” 

Seriously? Renji was right here. 

Fine, if she was gonna play that way…

Both women started as Renji hopped to his feet. “Wow! It’s gotten real late, huh? We better get this stuff put away and turned in for the night. Would be a shame if we just sleep the day away, am I right?” 

“Huh?”

Rangiku’s face fell, looking equal parts disappointed and annoyed. “Kuchiki-san hasn’t even gotten a chance to start her drink.” 

“Well, I’m sure she would have had time. But then we had to adjust for your fascinating methodology lesson and–” Renji shrugged, made an incomprehensible gesture with his arms. “Anyways, Rukia’s got all those Acting Captain duties to slog through all day. She’s gotta be at her physical peak to handle the workload.” 

“I am at my physical peak. I mean… I hope I haven’t peaked. I’m a model of health and fitness.” 

“That’s our girl. She’s dedicated to her work. That’s why I won’t waste a minute more of your time.” 

Renji hooked his arm under Rukia’s, easily lifting her to her feet as if she weighed no more than a handful of leaves.

“Hey!”

“You’re okay cleaning up for us, right Matsumoto?” Renji waved behind them. “I owe you one!” 

Later, Renji would contemplate if that was mean. Not necessarily to Rangiku, but to the future Squad 13 members who would have to clean up in the morning because Rangiku definitely wouldn’t do it. 

Anyways, it served Rangiku right; that she would be so bold as to try and flirt with someone who Renji essentially thought of as his sister right in front of him! And that whole thing about trying to show off with the sake, like it made her all elegant and mature? What a joke. 

Of course, it was still Renji’s job to find Rukia her perfect future girlfriend. But someone like Rangiku, who was rude and bossy and unreliable? No way. Rukia deserved somebody a little more sincere and sweet to take care of her. 

* * *

A few days later and Rangiku was still pretty steamed. But you know what? Holding a grudge is a very bad habit. Another reason why Renji would protect Rukia from her advances. 

One day Rukia would be telling her wife and kids about their brave and helpful Uncle Renji. 

Renji had to go to the archives room to begin the tedious task of making copies of all the forms meant to go from the Sixth Division to the Tenth that had been mysteriously lost or destroyed in a series of tragic accidents. And of course, along the way, he heard a familiar voice and was compelled to attention. 

“… So that way the liquid is sealed inside, making it a perfect portable container. Traditionally, the way you drink the juice is to poke the cardboard with a plastic straw. However, Ishida informed me that plastic is bad for the World of the Living’s environment. So I’m developing a work-around where you just squeeze the box, and the juice squirts out directly into your mouth.” 

“That’s a brilliant idea, Kuchiki-san!” Momo’s voice echoed from around the corner. “However, I would be worried that just squeezing the box might make the juice explode everywhere instead of just getting it in your mouth.” 

“Hm. That’s a good point, Hinamori-san.”

Renji edged a little closer to the sound of the two women’s voices. There could only be one reason why Momo would drag out this pointless conversation with Rukia when it was so obvious that the answer was just to tilt your head back so the juice fell directly into your mouth. It was clearly a ploy to get more of Rukia’s attention. 

Just around the corner, he could see the back of Momo’s dark hair. “Thanks for explaining all this human stuff to me. Captain Hirako talks about the World of the Living all the time, but I have such a hard time following what he’s talking about.” 

“Oh, don’t mention it.” Rukia sounded proud of herself. Renji could imagine her chest all puffed up, glowing from the praise. “It can be pretty confusing since humans are always making new ways to do ordinary things faster. You should just see it for yourself, I’m sure you’ll come back with something new to show your captain.”

“You think so? But it’s been years since I was in the mortal world. I’m not sure I could just jump in so quick.” Momo sighed. “Maybe if you were there, Kuchiki-san. I’d feel more confident with an expert with me.”

Rukia laughed. “Really? Well, I don’t know if I’d call myself an expert…” 

Did a trip to the World of the Living count as a date? Momo could play innocent, but Renji had been her friend since they were students. All that sugary sweetness could lure Rukia in, and then Momo would covertly begin her methods of subtle seduction. 

Oof. Renji really wanted to be on Momo’s side, but of course he had to do what was best for both her and Rukia. Really, he was a martyr in his own right. 

“Hey, Hinamori!” 

Both girls looked up, looking irritated at being interrupted. It was okay though, because Renji had the perfect distraction prepared that he was going to say right now. Riiiiight now…

Right… now…

“Yes, Abarai-kun?” 

Momo stared at him expectantly, and though Renji couldn’t see even a trace of a shadow in her pleasant smile he knew that she had to be annoyed at the intrusion. She was always very careful, and probably arranged to meet with Rukia this way so they could talk specifically without Renji around.

Rukia folded her arms over her chest. “What’s up?”

“I need help,” Renji started. Yeah, he sure did. “I need help. With these documents. Matsumoto lost a bunch of files I sent from the 6th to the 10th, so I have to re-do ‘em. And, y’know, your memory for this stuff is way better than mine. I could really use the assist.”

Renji gave what he hoped was a convincing puppy-dog look. Rukia grimaced at his pitiful display, which stung a little, but sweet Momo just overflowed with sympathy.

“Oh, that’s a shame! I wonder what happened, it’s not like Matsumoto-san to just lose things like that.” Momo tapped her chin. 

“Yes it is indeed a mystery.”

“I’ll help you out! Sorry, Kuchiki-san. We’ll have to make plans later on.” 

Momo breezed past Rukia to hook her arm in Renji’s. When she turned away, Renji spotted a flickering across Rukia’s face. An unfortunate expression that he sadly knew way too well. 

The way her lips pulled down at the corners. How her eyes fell to the floor. The way her chin tilted slightly to the floor, as if pulled down by a heavy weight. Disappointment dripped off of Rukia. 

Renji tore his eyes away, He was absolutely vile, and a terrible best friend. But no, he was doing this for Rukia’s own good. 

(Her own good? Hadn’t Renji tried before to make decisions for Rukia’s own good, and she almost paid for it with her life? Here Renji had been patting himself on the back about how he had changed so much. About how he cared for Rukia’s best interests, wanted her to be happy. But had anything really changed at all?)

* * *

“I don’t know what your problem is.”

“It’s self-explanatory. On the list I specifically ruled out anyone who had a short fuse. You know how Matsumoto is when she gets pissed, yeah? I also said they can’t be too anxious, and Hinamori’s always fussing and worrying. How is that gonna balance out Rukia’s stressful workday? And as for the other part on the list…” Renji considered this. “Well, neither of them have a problem with being too dedicated to work. Maybe they’re even not dedicated enough for Rukia. Did you think of that, Mr. Smart-Man?”

“No, I understand your reasoning. I mean I don’t know what your problem is that makes you act this way.” 

Renji sulked, in a way that was very mature and cool. He had hoped that Shuuhei might offer some useful advice, which was why Renji had come over and sat on his lap to keep him from getting away, but as usual the 9th Lieutenant was unable to see the bigger picture. 

It was gray and raining outside, but the inside of the apartment was warm and smelled richly of jasmine, Izuru carried a tray out of the kitchen with three cups of steaming tea balanced on top. 

“Have you decided on anybody who did meet your completely normal and not weird at all standards then?”

“Not yet.” Renji sighed. “I thought it would be easier to find a nice girl than a nice guy. No wonder Rukia’s had such a hard time.” 

“Hmm.” 

Shuuhei grasped a handful of Renji’s red ponytail, giving it a hard pull. “You’re being so weird about this whole thing, I don’t get it at all. First of all; when have you ever been so determined to get into other people’s business? Secondly, I’ve never seen you this judgemental about your own friends.” 

“I don’t know. I think it’s kind of sweet.” Izuru sat down with the tea in his lap, facing across from Renji and Shuuhei. (More facing Renji. Most of what Shuuhei could see right now was the back of Renji’s shoulder). “Renji isn’t as ready to share Kuchiki-san as he thought it was.” 

Renji scoffed. “I share her plenty.” Maybe even too much, All those kids in the World of the Living adored Rukia. Ichigo and Orihime were good kids, but it wasn’t like they were Rukia’s best friend from childhood. 

“You have to admit it’s immature.” Shuuhei argued. “Are you gonna keep people away from Kuchiki her whole life? That doesn’t sound like something she would want.”

No, no it didn’t. Renji winced. 

“Imagine,” Izuru leaned back on his hands, “If anybody had been as vigilant towards us about what kind of people we spent time with.” 

Shuuhei didn’t have an answer for that one.

-

If you please, revisit the scenario of the hedgehogs trying to huddle together in the cold. 

In order for the metaphor to work, we have to assume that being in close proximity of hedgehogs is always dangerous. And that the hedgehog is doomed to a lifetime of difficulties from its inability to build mature, adult relationships. 

In fact, hedgehogs’ quills are only dangerous when they curl up into balls and the quills are pointing outwards. When in a relaxed state the quills lie flat against the hedgehog’s back and pose little danger. And anyways, hedgehogs mostly live the solitary life of a bachelor, without being tied down by packs or bonded mates. They have no regard for the feelings of other hedgehogs, or anything other than digging in the dirt to eat worms. 

People are not hedgehogs. The inventors of the Hedgehog’s Dilemma were a group of paranoid worrywarts who, in not understanding their own discomfort with vulnerability, created what they thought was an appropriate metaphor; Constant pain. 

Maybe, when we connect to people, we do open ourselves up to the possibility of pain. But is that really such a terrible thing? Can vulnerability be beautiful? A return to innocence, even. 

How lovely it would be to be comfortable with other people. And, by extension, to be comfortable with oneself. A phenomenon as rare and unique as a hedgehog without quills.

* * *

Renji had been trying to sit and write out this apology letter for a few hours, chewing on the end of his pen. Until finally Byakuya kicked him out of the office until he could calm down and be trusted around writing utensils. 

That was fine. Renji didn’t really need to write out his thoughts, we was way better just acting in the moment. The only thing that prevented him from talking to Rukia face-to-face in the first place was that he had some thoughts to work through that might be too sophisticated to not try and organize them on paper first. But whatever. 

He tossed the letter in the trash and decided to go see what Rukia was up to. 

She was hanging out by Ukitake’s grave. It wasn’t actually where the late captain was buried, his body had been laid to rest in a family tomb with his parents and his parents’ parents and so forth. But Kyoraku had built a monument, which was very understated and surrounded by a little flower garden. Ukitake would have loved it. 

Rukia was sitting by it, jotting down in a little notebook, and when Renji lightly touched her back she screamed and slammed it shut. 

“Whatcha’ working on there?”

“Don’t sneak up on me!” Rukia hissed, red-faced. “You’re so tall I thought that there was a giant monster looming behind me.” 

“Good. I wanna be spooky.” Renji sat down next to Rukia, lowering himself onto the grass. “You’re not doing paperwork out here, right? Seems disrespectful. Captain Ukitake would hate that.” 

Rukia’s pinched face gradually relaxed. She looked down at her lap, at the sealed notebook, and then away. She scratched some invisible flaw on the front cover with her nail. “No, it’s a journal. I’ve never kept one before, but I thought I might try it out. Maybe future-me can learn some lessons for myself.”

Of course, as soon as she said that, Renji was intensely curious. Rukia always kept her emotions close to chest, and now there was written evidence of her thoughts and feelings? If only Renji could sneak a peek, maybe he’d understand a little bit of what went on in that incomprehensible little head of hers. 

There was some stuff Renji just wasn’t supposed to know about. “Cool.”

“What about you?” Rukia looked back to him, raising an eyebrow expectantly. “Weren’t you on some crusade to find me my future bride? I’ll have you know, the amount of heartfelt love confessions I’ve received has remained at a constant zero.”

“Ha. Well.” Renji leaned back where he sat, looking at the sky and wondering how much he’d have to lie to Rukia. Ukitake would hate this. “I was just kidding. You know you don’t really need my help with that stuff. You’ll do fine on your own, whenever you’re ready.”

Rukia made a ‘hmmf’ noise. “You’re so lucky, Renji. With Kira and Hisagi, you’ve got everything figured out.” 

“You think?”

“Yeah.”

Rukia opened the notebook and started flipping through some of the pages, her eyes glancing over days and weeks of her past notes. “Can I tell you something stupid? I think maybe part of the reason I’ve been holding back on looking for a relationship is because it’s going to be so much more difficult than I want it to be. Like, we all want love to be easy. But what if I find a girl I really like, and then I find out that I’m not good enough for her? Like I don’t deserve love.” 

“Oh.” 

Imagine If anybody had been as vigilant towards us about what kind of people we spent time with

If Renji could go back in time, would he? Before the Blood War. Before the Ryoka Invasion. Back to when he was a kid, and there were no grown-ups around that he could talk to, about his fears and his feelings and his sadness. 

With someone to protect him, would Past-Renji have made better choices? If only there had been somebody who really knew better, who could protect Renji from himself. If only somebody had fucking cared all those times when Renji was alone and he chose to cut himself on misery. 

Or would that not even have mattered? There was always a chance, after all, that Renji would have made those mistakes no matter what. That he would do the same wrong thing, and hurt the same people, even when logically he should have known better. Because there was just something nasty inside him that craved mistakes.

That was why it was easier to believe that Rukia was a better version of himself. Someone who could be saved. 

“Maybe that’ll happen.” Renji shrugged. “It probably won’t, though. But what are you gonna do? Never get close to anyone to find out? You’ve tried that already, it doesn’t work.” 

Rukia grimaced. “It’s dumb, right? After everything, I’m still scared of pain. That’s pretty lame for a Captain.” 

“Pain is scary.” 

“Yeah,” Rukia sighed. “I guess, if there’s always a chance of bad shit happening, that means there’s a chance of good stuff happening instead. That’s basically what you just said, right? You’ve just got to trust that eventually, you get the winning hand.”

“That’s it.” Renji grinned. He raised his hand and lowered it on top of Rukia’s head, gently pressing her towards the ground. “You will prosper. You have no choice.”

“That’s a strange thing to be relieved by.”

* * *

When Rangiku and Momo come around to chat with Rukia, they usually do it as a duo. Maybe they think they have a better chance of overpowering Renji if they combine their strengths, but Renji tries to leave them alone. 

It still stings a little, when Rangiku gives him a stink eye or Momo quickly avoids eye-contact. They are suspicious of him, which Renji deserves. But Renji doesn’t think he’s screwed up his friendships with them that badly. What’s only a little bit of cock-blocking between friends? 

They’re very sweet. Through the window of the Tenth Division, Renji incidentally catches a glimpse of Rukia brushing back Rangiku’s golden hair. At a lieutenant’s meeting, Rukia walks in smelling slightly of Momo’s flowery perfume. 

“Do you think it’s possible to arrange a sextuple-date?” Renji once joked to Izuru, who just grimaced in response. 

It sucks that Renji can’t fully protect anyone forever. But that’s okay, too. He’s curious to see how Rukia will do, what kind of choices she will make for the rest of her life. 

He will have to make the same choices, too. And he’s still a little more nervous of what Future-Renji will do with that. Hopefully everybody else will be ready for it. 


End file.
